Since I've gotten home, I've wanted to write about what has happened.
Ever been shaken so hard in your core that there is no other explanation than God?
God likes to come into my comfort and shake things up when I least expect it.
This past week I was at my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people in the world. It was one of the biggest blessings that I could have ever received… and not just because it was a reunion. I went into the retreat week with the idea of reunion - not much else. I had forgotten the power of God behind my finals and my friends and my travel and Christmas vacation. This was just going to be a great week with my friends praising and loving and living memories.
Boy, was I so wrong.
This return to Covecrest was totally different than my first visit there. My first time I went to camp I was there to fill others by letting God work through me. I was there to serve, and I loved it. So, I wasn't expecting the change in atmosphere when I got back this past week. Now I was there to be filled. A retreat for myself? When was the last time I went on a retreat for myself? Over a year ago. I'm so used to running things and organizing and planning and writing talks that I was so taken aback. It was uncomfortable. It was hard to break down my expectations of "just a reunion" and let God exceed every expectation I had for the week.
Going into the week, I was not having it with God. I was exercising faith but only going through the motions for the past few months. I felt dead, defeated, and confused. I didn't want to feel this way - and I knew what Truth was in my heart, which made it that much harder. I knew what I should be doing, I knew what Joy was, I knew that I shouldn't be feeling this way when God had already been revealing to me how great and beautiful He is. And this hurt me more than anything - that I know Truth and was still doubting. I felt stupid for doubting God when I loved Him so much. It didn't make sense. And my doubt tore me down. For months, I didn't want to go to adoration, but I went anyway. I didn't want to go to Mass, but I went anyway. I was dragging my feet and trying to return to God, but this wall had gone up of doubt and selfishness and that one horrible phrase: "You are not enough."
I felt this resounding in my prayer, even though I know that God loves me. That was the confusing part. I was so conflicted and I didn't know why.
So I figured that going to this retreat, john 15, was going to be a great time to see my friends and see their faith and try to live what they had. I was looking forward to seeing how my friends did it - I wanted to see how they kept living their faith after our time as missionaries together and hope that their faith would rub off on me.
I moved my finals, despite syllabi and professors that told me it could not be done. God triumphed over my finals. I should have taken that as a sign for what was to come - that God had big plans… bigger than what I had in mind.
The whole week took me by surprise. I'm not sure why, but God used this week to really shake my soul.
Right when I got there, I knew God was moving big.
I'm positive that people twenty miles away could hear the screams of joy that erupted from the dining hall in the lodge. I could not stop smiling. I was smiling so much that it hurt. The laughing and "Oh my gosh!" and "Welcome home!" and "Nate and Kiera are engaged!" and the "I haven't seen you in forever!" made my heart feel so alive. These people that I love so much were all in the same room and the joy was absolutely tangible.
That's when I knew that this was more than a reunion.
Yes, we were all reunited. New and old friends all part of the same family, all home at Covecrest. But this was more than a reunion. This was a reminder. A renewal. A restart. It was overwhelming.
The week came and went. So fast. Way too fast. And I learned so much.
And God revealed to me why I had been struggling so much in the past few months.
He was pruning me. He was cutting me back lovingly in order that I could go and bear more fruit. He was pruning me so that when I returned to Covecrest I would be renewed and transformed and ready to go back out and live missionary. Ready to remain fearless and to be the woman that God has called me to be.
Throughout the week I realized the difference between the person that I was portraying and the person God wants me to be. I glimpsed myself through God's eyes and knew that I had to cut out my self-reliance and lack of trust.
I was reminded of what reality is through the people around me and the beautiful conversations that I had. I was reminded that I am the beloved, and I do not need to know anything more. I do not need to know what my vocation is, or what my path is, or where God wants me. He will lead me if I allow myself to trust Him and if I remind myself constantly that I am His beloved... If I LET HIM BE MY STRENGTH and if I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE LOVED.
Through the many joyful conversations and encounters with Christ that I was blessed with, I was able to grow so much in just four days. Oh, the people there! I will never get over how blessed I am to know them and run this race with them toward Heaven.
The week renewed me. That doubt that I had for months beforehand has disappeared and has been replaced by conviction. Not the same conviction I had before - it's a stronger fire this time. My time back at Covecrest was more than a reunion. It was a time the Lord took me by the shoulders and reminded me who He is calling me to be. How beautiful it can be to be pruned, to be trimmed back for the greater glory of the Kingdom, and to know that above all else, you are loved. I am so blessed to have had this experience and I am so blessed to be sent out again and testify. Praise. Don't doubt that God can renew you in less than a week.
Merry Christmas - all praise be to the baby Savior, Jesus.
#kudzu
Live with Joy.
